Bad Fic Contest: Aureus Rapulum
by clamjam
Summary: [winner of my bad fic contest, by lizterine.] Draco's on a mission, and he might find love along the way. Warnings: alien!draco, pirates, ninjas, hermione x draco, ron x draco, and pretty much every way possible to breach canon. nice one, liz.


So a few months ago at least, I held a bad fic contest among my friends. Here's the winner, written by my lovely friend and beta Liz (id: lizterine). She's a very good writer (see her fic Veniam Dare), but she certainly wrote something extroadinarily terrible for this. Huzzah. And she wants you to go to her a href"http/hagaren22. and she thanks me for the chocolate.

Second place goes to Maddy (id: magnumzero). Also a very good writer (see her fic Draco's Quite Large Dilema), but she managed to use pretty much every terrible fandom cliche in one story.

Third goes to one of Lauren's (id: hatnclogs). She is also a very good writer! She writes Hellsing stuff mostly, but there's one WIP Harry Potter on there. Or maybe two. I forget. Go look at her. Her bad fic, however, is a disgusting pairing. Disgusting.

Last goes also to Lauren. It gets last because it's a really good idea and not that terribly written.

You can read the runner-ups at my xanga, from whence they are linked to on various other places. Link: http/ here's Liz's, because it came in first and the first-place one I said I would put on here. Also she gets chocolate.

Liz wrote everything from here on. Buhbye.

**A/N: WARNING! This is supposed to be bad. One of my friends challenged a group of us to write the worst fic possible, while still adhering to correct spelling/grammar rules. And I figured, what the hell! Might as well go all out! And so, I wrote my least favorite ships, Draco/Hermione and Draco/Ron, and then tried to make it even more ridiculous!**

Aureus Rapulum

"Yes, sir, I understand. The mission will be completed tonight. I'll make contact with the target, and initiate Stage One of the operation, bringing her to the mothership," the blonde, cloak-clad figure whispered into his mouthpiece, late one night. His superior had just given him the order he had been anxiously awaiting for months. The time had finally come.

The voice replied back, into his earpiece, "Yes, Malfoy. Take any measures, and all precautions. We cannot risk you being revealed at such a critical moment, but we also cannot risk the failure of this vital mission."

Malfoy replied with one curt word. "Understood."

The voice seemed satisfied, and clicked off the connection. Draco let out a sigh of relief; his mission was finally approaching the exciting climax. He was to officially seek out his target, Hermione Granger, and effectively seduce her with his charms and good looks, and then deliver a debriefing of the whole event to the mothership. He had not been told why.

Perhaps his species was developing a more detailed dossier on humans, or perhaps they simply wanted a few more tests done. He was in no position to ask, although he actually was a fairly high-level agent, entrusted with an operation as important as this one.

His superiors had not told him how to get Granger, though; it would be left up to him to figure that out. After several minutes of careful deliberation, he decided on his course of action.

It would need to be succinct, as he had only a few hours before his rendezvous at the mothership. However, it would also need to have a high probability of success. There was one thing he was certain Granger would be unable to resist, what with her completely inadequate and unsatisfying love life. And if there was one thing a Malfoy, specifically Draco Malfoy, was good at, it was the art of seduction. And perhaps Potions, but that was another story.

He had already partially completed a similar mission, involving seduction and a schoolmate, but he had a feeling this mission would be…different.

Hermione looked dreamily down at her Charms textbook and sighed. How she wished for a real boyfriend to satisfy her womanly needs…

Ron was a nice guy, sure, but he wasn't much to look at. Furthermore, all they had done was kiss a few times! He wouldn't even let her into his bedroom, and went rather red when she hinted to it.

That was another thing she didn't like about Ron. He was always so red: hair, cheeks, and jumpers.

She sighed again, and started packing up her parchment and quills. She had been sitting in the library for nearly three hours, trying to avoid Ron more than trying to do any homework. She had, however, completed her Potions essay, which had turned out to be twice the required length.

Just as she fastened her bag and slipped it around her shoulders, she stopped dead. Draco Malfoy had just swaggered over to her table, looking as smug as ever. Although, Hermione had to admit, he was also looking mightily handsome today…

In fact, the entire year was after Malfoy, and admired his masculine beauty without shame. Even some of the boys drooled over him. His white-blonde hair shone as if it was reflecting starlight, while his pale visage only served to enhance this illusion. Hermione was utterly taken by him, and realized for the first time that he was not, in fact, a pretentious, spoiled bastard, as she had thought all her life, but a sexy man-beast that she desperately needed to be fucked by.

He smiled shyly at her, and her heart melted onto the floor. "M-Malfoy, whatever do you want?" she said, trying to stop the wavering in her voice. Her heart was fluttering somewhere around her throat like a snitch, choking her up.

"Oh, nothing, Granger…er, Hermione," Draco said, a little too casually.

There was an awkward pause.

"Er…So, Malfoy."

"Draco," he corrected her.

"Draco…" she repeated, enraptured by his beauty and grace. How had she never noticed the way his hair fell perfectly across his slightly rosy cheeks? How had she never noticed how gorgeously his robes fit him? Suddenly, she cared not that he was prejudiced and narrow-minded. All she knew was that if he didn't fuck her in the next ten minutes, she would literally die.

Draco, apparently, realized the same thing.

One moment, they were standing feet apart, separated by the library table. The next, Hermione found herself on her back, lying across the table, with Draco on top of her, kissing her passionately.

Oh, gods. How marvelous. She felt whole, complete! She had Draco, she needed nothing else! Fuck being a strong, independent woman! Fuck what a completely arsehole Draco was! Fuck it all! 'But, most importantly, please, Draco, fuck me!' Hermione thought as her mouth was plundered by Draco's tongue.

Once again, Draco had the same thought. He began to undress Hermione, ripping viciously at her robes, all the while kissing her deeply. Hermione could only moan in response, all thoughts of her now ex-boyfriend Ron forgotten.

Just as suddenly as it all began, however, it was over, and Draco was inexplicably pulling away. Hermione moaned at the loss of contact, but was interrupted by Draco's sudden aggressive hiss.

Surprised, Hermione looked over her shoulder, where Draco's eyes were fixed.

Her own eyes widened. Ninjas had invaded Hogwarts.

Surrounding Hermione and Draco's table stood twelve highly-skilled ninjas, dressed in the full regalia of the ninja elite.

An animal gleam came into Draco's eye, and his posture tensed into a battle stance. Then, Hermione thought she saw Draco's complexion green slightly, while antennae sprouted out of his white-blonde hair.

She shook her head slightly to clear herself of these delusions. It didn't work.

"Draco, love, what's going on!" Hermione said, trying to keep her voice calm.

Instead of answering, Draco threw himself at the attackers, who quickly leaped away. Adjusting his trajectory slightly, Draco was able to graze one of the less-nimble ninjas, cuffing him on the neck. One small cuff from Draco, however, appeared to be more than enough to take out the ninja. He sprawled on the ground, and did not get up.

Draco spared no time, and once again launched himself towards the ninjas, who looked slightly rattled at his impressive show of strength. This time, Draco managed to speed up in mid-air, and took out two at once. Reversing his momentum and pushing off a bookshelf, the brunt of his attack landed on a third ninja, who quickly crumpled to the ground.

Draco then grabbed a chair and threw it at a bookcase directly across from the table Hermione was still lying helplessly on. The bookcase toppled over, crushing yet another opponent.

The other ninjas still refused to back down, however. They warily circled their prey, Draco, and Draco circled right back.

Hermione could not tear her eyes away from the bizarre altercation.

Suddenly, one ninja sprung onto Draco, slicing his cheek with a kunai. That was all the damage the ninja was able to inflict on Draco's slightly green visage, however, before he was ripped in half by spines that had suddenly sprouted from Draco's back.

Hermione blinked as a bit of blood landed on her cheek.

The other ninjas stopped and blinked as well. Then, abruptly and in unison, vanished in a flash of light and puff of smoke.

Panting heavily, Draco looked back at Hermione and gave her a weary smile. "Come with?" he said, offering his hand, which had returned back to its normal color.

Hermione immediately jumped up and grabbed that perfect, porcelain hand. There was enough strangeness in the world, and she could definitely use that one blond constant. Although, admittedly, he had been rather more olive than blond only moments before. Despite this, she was unable to resist feeling the touch of that silky skin.

As soon as their hands connected, Draco tugged Hermione out of the library and into the corridor beyond. "W-Where are we going?" she managed, shakily.

Draco simply smiled charmingly in response. "To a better place, my dearest." He then leaned down and kissed her deeply.

"Okay," she whispered, eyes glazed, as Draco continued to pull her through the halls and down flights of stairs.

Abruptly, though, Draco stopped, and it was soon apparent to Hermione exactly why. There, standing directly in their path, was Harry, a murderous glare plastered onto his face.

"What the bloody hell are you doing to her, Malfoy," Harry spat cracking his knuckles menacingly.

Draco only smirked. "Just taking her out for a spin."

"Malfoy…" Harry hissed warningly.

"If you want to let out your indignant manly testosterone, you'll have to do it somewhere else," Draco said, surprisingly nicely and lightheartedly.

Apparently Harry mistook what Hermione now knew, after spending time with Draco, was his own special way of being the kind, loving gentleman he was for derision, because he began to charge at Draco.

Hermione didn't even have time to yell for him to stop all this quarrelsome behavior when Harry did exactly that: freeze, with, of course, the help of a Full-Body Bind.

Gasping, Hermione looked over her shoulder at the caster of the spell. What she saw, however, made her gasp even louder. Ron was standing, wand out, flushed bright red. "Draco, mate, I don't know exactly what you're doing there with Hermione, but…just go," he said, obviously a bit embarrassed.

Draco needed no further prompting, and, after giving Ron a thankful look, rushed Hermione along down the last corridor to the entrance hall, and from there out onto Hogwarts' lawn.

"Angel, where are we? What are we doing?" she asked, trying to voice all the affection she felt.

He smiled pleasantly at her and led her forward, to the Quidditch pitch. "I want to take you somewhere, love."

Hermione smiled. How lovely Draco was in the moonlight, pale, not-green hair shining silver in its rays.

But then, all of a sudden, his hair wasn't shining silver anymore. It was instead green, as was his skin, and the antennae were once again back. If she had been the person she was before having met Draco, only hours ago, Hermione might have been just a little frightened. Now, however, she was a changed woman. A changed woman in love.

Because of this, it wasn't a surprise to her when a giant spaceship, shaped like two paper plates glued together, descended onto the pitch, opening it's door to greet the pair. Draco's smile broadened as he and Hermione walked inside.

"Good job, Malfoy," Geraldson sniffed proudly. Malfoy was his top agent, and his performance on this mission had not disappointed him. "You were able to collect the target and defend her from a ninja assault, all while still remaining incognito."

Draco's head, bowed in respect, nodded. "Yes, sir."

Geraldson patted the boy on the back. When Malfoy looked up, startled, Geraldson smiled. "You deserve it, agent. That was a job well done."

Taking confidence from his praise, Malfoy dared to ask the one question that had been plaguing him since the mission. "Sir…how did the ninjas find our coordinates?"

Geraldson sighed heavily, as if he knew the question was coming beforehand. "That is what we, the High Command, are wondering ourselves. We've decided that there must be a leak somewhere in the network. A ninja spy, perhaps. However," he continued, lowering his voice slightly, "the ninjas may not even be the worst of our troubles."

Draco's eyes widened in horror. "You mean…pirates?"

Geraldson nodded. "I'm afraid so. Just keep your eyes open, and report anything unusual while fulfilling your two assigned missions. Dismissed."

Draco nodded and stood up, leaving the room.

The next day, in classes, Hermione's memory was wiped of all events after the ninja raid. Those remaining few, even, she thought were simple dreams. Rather good ones, too, judging by what Draco had been about to do to her before the pesky ninjas arrived.

She also couldn't stop staring blatantly at Draco through Potions, causing her to miss every single note in that class, a first for her. Harry was surly and unresponsive, while Ron seemed to be staring dreamily off into space, probably thinking about snogging Lavender.

After potions, she couldn't get out of the classroom fast enough, hoping to catch a glimpse of Draco in the hallway. Draco had snuck out before her, and she figured he'd take his usual route to lunch, where she could intercept him. Not to talk, but just to gaze at his beauty from afar.

So, when she finally caught up to Draco, she was very, very surprised. Instead of being alone, or with Pansy or some such Slytherin goon, Draco was with a very familiar face: Ron.

He was kissing Ron.

Recoiling, Hermione couldn't stifle the hurt whimper that escaped her throat. Hearing this, Ron and Draco broke apart, Ron a little more reluctant to let go, and looked over towards her.

Upon spotting her, a look of horror spread on to Draco's face. "Hermione, wait!" he shouted, but she had already turn tail and ran back down the corridor she had come.

"Dammit," Draco hissed, pounding his fist against the wall he had just been pinning Ron to. "This is sure to mess up the mission…"

Ron looked at him strangely. "Mission?"

Draco silently cursed himself again. "It's nothing."

Ron still looked curious, so Draco expertly arrested that train of thought of his with a heart-melting kiss. Draco's own thoughts, however, were elsewhere, desperately wondering how he could bring Hermione back to his side in order to complete the next phase of the mission.

Ron was the other target assigned to him by the High Command, so he also couldn't afford to reveal anything to him either. His mission with Ron was the same: lure him to the mothership, where they could conduct tests on him as a human specimen. This mission was assigned before his mission with Hermione, so he was naturally a little surprised when Ron has shown up and Body-Bound Harry while he was escaping with Hermione.

Sighing inwardly, Draco extracted himself from Ron so they could both go to lunch. The stress of two simultaneous missions, an imminent pirate attack, and pressure from the High Command was getting to him.

Draco had been discreetly following Hermione for days, hoping to catch her alone so he could mend their relationship. Finally, he spotted her down the corridor, bereft of her usual guard, Potter.

"Hermione!" he called, hoping not to frighten her away.

When she turned towards his shout, however, she looked more angry than frightened. "Yes, Draco," she said, tone icy.

"Well…I was hoping that I could maybe take you out to Hogsmeade," he said, his voice shaking more than he had ever known it to before. Usually, he was calm and composed at all times, and only playacted anger or haughtiness.

Hermione glared for a moment, but then her look softened. "Oh Draco," she moaned, unable to stay angry with the sexy blond before her. "Whatever you want!"

Draco smiled triumphantly. "I knew you would come back to me, love," he said sweetly, actually meaning it. This was slightly disturbing, as he had never meant anything before. He playacted feelings of love and affection just as much as he playacted his anger. But then again, he had known all along that this mission would be a special one. It was only now that he was finding out exactly why.

At this thought, Draco whisked Hermione into his arms and down the stairs into the entrance hall, then out the main doors and onto the path to Hogsmeade. It was then that he felt an ominous presence, and presence that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

"Pirates…" he whispered, slightly frightened and slightly aggressive-sounding. He had only just discovered his tender feelings for Hermione, how could he be killed by the ruthless marauders of the sea!

Craning his neck, he caught sight of their ship, anchored only a few hundred meters away, at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. He let out a soft hiss, and gently lowered Hermione to the ground. "Stay here," he whispered in a low, dangerous voice, already feeling his skin and hair darken, and his antennae advance.

Hermione found herself unable to speak as Draco stalked away, perhaps even towards his death. She, of course, knew nothing about pirates nor their dangers, but she was perceptive enough to sense the peril.

Draco moved toward the grizzled men on their ship, not even bothering to be inconspicuous. He had to protect Hermione, at all costs. It was not only his mission, but something more…personal.

Approaching the bow of the ship, Draco let out a roar befitting of a lion, and all hands on deck turned to look at the enraged space alien now closing in on them. "Come and fight me, you bastards!" Draco yelled at them.

They needed no further provoking.

Luckily, the crew was a small one, and only fifteen pirates jumped off the deck to greet their opponent. "Harharhar, this be one of them alien critters, mateys!" one, presumably the captain, shouted. The rest laughed harshly, their large, golden hoop earrings glinting eerily in the moonlight.

Draco, however, was not amused. Instead, he attacked.

Leaping from the ground, he connected with a cackling pirate in mid-air, throwing him to the ground. The other pirates looked started for only a moment, before their glares hardened and they whipped out their pistols and sabers. "You asked for it, all right," one said, although Draco did not hear him. All he could see was red.

Draco moved faster than lightning, punching a pirate square in the face. Two came at him at once, in retaliation, and he only narrowly dodged their sword-points. He suddenly heard a gunshot, and realized that one pirate had started shooting at him.

Kicking another in the stomach, Draco managed the knock the gun out of his hand. However, he could not react fast enough to maneuver out of the way of a sword, and was slashed viciously across the chest.

He took that one out with a drop kick and quickly stood up, but suddenly found himself rather dizzy. The blood loss was already affecting his coordination, causing him to take yet another blow to the stomach. Three more pirates jumped on him, and he was only able to fend off one before he was pinned to the ground.

Somewhere, seemingly a long ways off, he could hear the captain cackling. "Never mess with the pirates, ye don't. Scum of the skies, you lot are. I always says-"

What the captain "always says", however, was never known, because right at that moment, a ninja star flew through the air, straight into his chest. Then, a dozen black-clad forms were moving through the battle ground, silently slaughtering the pirates.

Draco had never been more glad to see an enemy.

Suddenly, the two pirates holding Draco were pulled off with startled cries. Draco, just as startled, looked up into the masked face of a ninja. The head ninja, in fact. And, even more to his surprise, the ninja put his hand to his forehead in a salute to Draco.

Draco smiled back. The only rivalry more legendary than his species' with the ninjas and the pirates was the ninja's hatred for the pirates. The two were sworn enemies.

Standing up, Draco took out two more pirates before they all lay dead or wounded before him. The ninjas, without a word, slipped off silently into the night, and Hermione finally gathered her wits together and walked up to Draco, now dirtied with blood and mud from the soft ground.

He smiled weakly at her, and then promptly fainted.

Draco woke up a day later in the Hospital Wing, feeling exhausted. The first face he saw was Hermione's, which made him smile slightly, and the second was Ron's, which made him a bit puzzled.

He tried to sit up, but a kind hand pushed him back down. "Draco," Hermione spoke, very gently, "we know about your missions."

Despite the hand, Draco shot straight up at those words. "What?" he said, far too loudly.

Hermione simply smiled. "Your superior, Geraldson, told us."

Draco was completely in shock. "Why would he do a thing like that!"

This time, Ron spoke. "When he heard at your debriefing that I helped you escape, he decided to investigate us more closely. After you were injured in the pirate assault, and Hermione took care of you despite your alien appearance, he decided she had the right to know, and could be trusted with the information."

Hermione continued for him. "And, as you and Geraldson apparently know, whatever is told to me always finds its way to Ron."

"But," Draco said, still slightly disbelieving, "then why are you still here, if you know that I'm not…human." He said the word 'human' with some distaste. He had grown up among humans, even faked pureblood superiority, just to hide the fact that he was really an entirely different race. But, in secret, he had always wished to be among the humans, to share their flesh and blood and history. To think that a human, no, two humans, would actually accept him just as he was, alien and all, was rather preposterous to him.

Despite this, Hermione and Ron both nodded. "Of course, Draco. We…we love you. How could we not?"

At these words, Draco found tears coming to his eyes. He had always wanted this…this acceptance. And now, in his two new best friends, he had found it.

Ron's eyes, too, had watered up at this emotional moment, and it seemed Hermione was barely controlling her own feelings.

The three walked out of the Hospital Wing later that day, hand in hand.

From another part of the ward, Harry Potter narrowed his eyes. Draco Malfoy, an alien? It was even better than he thought!

Harry had overheard him and Hermione reconcile, and then plan to make an excursion to Hogsmeade. It was then that he ordered the pirates to anchor right near Hogwarts. He had a few pirate ties that were most helpful in such situations.

The plan had backfired, however, when the ninjas heard about the attack, and went to fight the pirates themselves. Instead of resulting in a dead Malfoy, the ninjas and the aliens now had a stronger alliance.

And his two best friends were now his two ex-best friends, instead hanging about Malfoy.

Ohh, Harry would get him for that. He would get him _good._

For Harry Potter, unbeknownst to the world, was also very talented at seduction. And, if there was one thing he knew Draco Malfoy could not resist, it was his charms.

A sly smile slid onto Harry's face, a plan already forming in his mind…

**Endnotes: That was the end. I'm lazy. The deadline is closing in on me. Will there be a sequal? Absolutely not. I think you can use your imagination as to what happens…just insert any lame Harry/Draco fic at the end. Uhh...The origional fic I planned was like...not even remotely like this. It was the parts between Hermione sitting in the library and where Draco stops sexing her up. And...then the ninjas attacked and all hell broke lose with this fic. Heh.**

ps from annie--the title means beautiful turnip in latin


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